SPOT THE CONKS

Beauty must truly be in the beholder's eye - as is often asserted. Many Filipinas believe that
being tall, fair and nasally protruding is the ideal. To this end they bleach their skin and resort to cosmetic sugery. I remember that there was a regular infosell slot on their TV which sold some other "enhancement" - probably some breast manipulation - I forget.

But never, ever, would one imagine that vanity would lead them to stuff a springy shaper up their nostrils. One can only think, for lack of further evidence, that the item below, is a hoax. Could anyone be called "Hank Hyena"? Mind you, I did once know an African doctor called Sambo Darko and an accountant called Mr Inkpen.

By Hank Hyena

Jan. 27, 2000

In America, girls and women with enormous noses often get their beaks
trimmed to a desirable dimension at a plastic surgeon's office, where rhinoplasty
condenses a ponderous proboscis into a dainty snout, like Jody Foster's.
Small is beautiful in Caucasian countries; nobody spends their cash here
on enlarging their nasal peninsula.

Olfactory organ angst is the reverse in the Philippines, where indigenous
sniffers are generally flat, short and wide. Filipinas crave longer, pointier noses,
according to the Philippine magazine Businessworld. And now, a torturous
device has been invented to aid them in their Pinocchio ambitions. Nasal inserts!
An enhancement gizmo called the Cleopatra is getting crammed into the nostril
cavities of the archipelago's women. The bullet-shaped contraption is tweezed into
both orifices of a pug nose and then spring-released. The resulting pressure
propels a small bump into an elegant, articulated, Sigourney Weaveresque peak. Each
Cleopatra kit is equipped with three different sizes that enable beaks to be jacked
upwards from 3 to 13 millimeters.

The Cleopatra won't create sinus infections because it's coated with
silicone, and its black hue renders it invisible in the shadowy depths of one's schnoz.
But are the pushy props comfortable? Or do they obsess the wearer with a manic
desire to snort, sneeze and finger them out? Are they secure? Will a romantic date be killed
when a Cleopatra blasts into a dinner salad, leaving the nose of the beloved
lop-sided?

Advertisements on Manila's local television depict stretch-nosed Filipinas
cavorting romantically with handsome men, while sad flat-nosed women wander by in
abject solitude. A voice-over advises, "Get Cleopatra. Perfect for pictures, dates, job
interviews. Bring back the confidence in your life." It's tragic that commerce and infatuation
with Hollywood actresses has coalesced to erode Filipina self-esteem, but at
least the nasal-lifter is only 3,980 pesos ($98), a petite fraction of plastic
surgery's expense.

Jan. 27, 2000