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Filipinas

Another site dealing with West Filipina marriage is run by Bob Lingerfelt at

http://filipinawives.com/ .

His stated intent is:

"We don't try to make marriages to Filipinas, we try to make marriage to Filipinas better!"

Well worth a visit and has a different slant to mine. For instance he asks:-

"So You Want to Marry a Filipina? " and "So you STILL want to marry a Filipina... "

He discusses the controversial issue of " Fact & Fiction about Mail Order Brides "

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CONTENTS

PREAMBLE

MARRIAGES AND MAIMED MEN

The Past

The Present

Current Examples

Discussion

WHERE MEN ARE MEN

SO WHAT CAN WE POOR SAPS DO?

THE PHILIPPINES

Why Western Men Like Filipinas

Filipinas Are Pushovers?

FOOTNOTE AND SUMMARY

 

PREAMBLE

• What is written below is not meant to be unduly provocative; but it could be named a little idiosyncratic.
• A Filipina is a female from the Republic of the Philippines (RP).

CAVEAT EMPTOR

Most of the assertions and opinions are often based on fairly limited, first-hand experience (See My First Venture..). Most of the material is my opinionated re-hash of listings to the late, excellent, free, Fil/Western, listserv, support group, Jeff Hollis's Mahalkita, and the more racy, extant, offshoot, Ray Bacon's Mag-Anak. Some was picked up from another great list, Asialink ($US10 per year).

This is an on-going project as much to amuse me as to inform others. The diaries covering my first trip to find my dream-woman and subsequent, disappointing developments will be appearing too. So, too, will the diary of my recent (July, 1999) trip with, so far, a promising outcome.

The link for Mag-Anak is :-

• Mag-Anak http://www.mag-anak.org/
  
  Rules For Mag-anak
• Participation in this listserv is by subscription (free) for those who have Fil/Western sympathy.
• Flamers will be warned then unsubscribed. There are open lists available where subscribers can - and do! - slang off at anything and everyone. Search the news groups.
• Send your request to the Chief Moderator:-

<rbacon@midtown.net>

MARRIAGES AND MAIMED MEN

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~THE PAST?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• Although for centuries humans may have taken a sole marriage and fidelity, however difficult, as a natural goal; it is probable that the laws, rituals and morality to secure this connubiality were more a function of economics than genetics.
•  
• While it is true that in places, at times, a man or woman has taken more than one spouse; it is usually for some socio-economic reason not associated with the desirability for common folk to have multiple spouses. In Islam, for example, it is more a system of welfare. It is a man's responsibility to take on as many unattached females as he can afford so that they may have the comfort and support of family. The Holy Prophet, Mohammed, set the example himself. The Salt Lake City Mormons no longer advocate the practice. Presumably, in early Utah days, there was a pressing need to populate or perish. When a woman customarily takes two husbands - often brothers - there is land shortage and, this way, parcels of land are kept intact.

~~~~~~~~~THE PRESENT?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• In the West it is increasingly difficult to make a lasting marriage. With divorce reaching over 50% in places there are many people scarred and bruised by the experience. Perhaps serial marriages is the way of the future as some suggest. Even our present, androgynous ladies will keep to one man while their heat is turned up. Often now, as in Sweden and elsewhere, couples break up peacefully and stay on good terms with their ex-spouses; and even socialise with them
•  
• The property problems created by divorce are catered for by the increasing use of Pre-Nuptual contracts - these have recently become legal in Australia. There is a more enlightened approach developing towards child custody too. It is not uncommon in some countries for child-sharing to be routine. Much of the pressure for these changes are from women. They see the advantages of these arrangements when they stay in the work-force to continue their careers and acquire property in their own right.

~~~~~~~~~CURRENT EXAMPLES -(That really happened)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• [a] A short while ago a 22 yr. old Australian man said his serious girlfriend was at the local university. He saw nothing wrong with her sleeping with other men as long as she told him first and he reserved the same right for himself. "No! It is not two-timing: it's natural." But he would break with her if she did it behind his back. This seemed perfectly normal to him so one assumes a pattern or at least a trend.
•  
• b] A 22 yr. Australian, attractive, university undergraduate complained that the men soon became possessive when they paired sexually. "Why do they all want to tie me down and talk about 'going steady?'" One of her ex-partners said she took him to meet her folks then dropped him - he was upset. This young woman was already divorced and her ex-husband socialised with her nearly every day.
•  
• [c] A middle aged, professional, American divorced female was surprised and confused why some men would prefer to marry a virgin and could only assume that the man was ashamed to have his performance compared; or he wanted to mould and dominate her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~DISCUSSION~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We can have it all"

 

• But there are many men who still find this "loose" pairing to be at least hurtful and at most, immoral. And there are probably a few women who feel the same.
•  
• During this sexual revolution it is the women who more often seem to be moving on and the men who are left desolate and depressed. In the USA the female depression rate was always greater than male. Now, 2003, the males are catching up. (The rates for both are rising steadily by the way.) It is possible that women can break up more easily because now they can be financially independent and are liberated from the torment of possible pregnancy using easily available contraception. Men possibly suffer from a lack of someone to dominate. It is not unusual for the man to stalk his Ex and even take a gun and shoot her, his children and himself. Perhaps it is a greater let down for the male ego. Maybe he feels that he has not been allowed to do his duty of protecting and caring for his woman and their children. It is also probably the case that women have a greater choice of partners. There is always a man ready to start a pairing sexually and it is the woman who chooses isn't it? The law is on the woman's side. Not many women are prosecuted for pressing their breasts against a man; but let an undesired man court a woman by putting his hand on a her bum and the bum might end up in court on a sexual assault charge.
•  
• Since feminism snared the legislators, women can become pregnant after buying donated sperm. Without a supporting partner they can live, subsidised by the taxpayers, to bring up the child. If not directly on welfare; then using state facilities created by feminist pressure to enable employment or support. Child care centres would be such a subsidy in some countries. Some states allow special leave rights for her to give birth and be guaranteed a return to employment. Where supply and demand is an ideal of economic policy this is an added cost to production and thus subsidised by male and female consumers paying higher prices for goods and services. It is a legislated cost to production provided for child-bearing women. And taxpayers are paying for their children's education. Are men becoming irrelevant to women except as sperm donors, taxpayers and consumers? As a society, why have we given women this right? And, in addition, given them the right to kill off, by abortion, the future generations of citizens upon which the community relies. Some countries are only maintaining numbers by recourse to immigration. Is it not the duty of women to provide for the future needs of the community as it is the men's duty to protect it?
•  
• By and large, the old ideas that marriage was for life; and to provide a secure and desirable environment for children, have been overturned by, and for, women. Some reciprocal rights for men have been logically established like shared, or even sole, custody, of children. A few rich women (Joan Collins, Jane Seymour) have indignantly paid alimony ordered to support their ex-husbands in a style to which she had accustomed them. And yet women generally reserve to themselves the right to choose whether they wish to be modern or traditional. When she is a traditionalist she often swears to be faithful and true till death do them part. But later, as the heat dies down or her expectations (? unrealistic) are unfulfilled, she may decide she was wrong and "a girl is allowed space to grow and learn isn't she?" Rather along the lines of the late philosopher/mathematician, Bertrand Russell's analogy of making decisions as a train journey:-

These days, of course, substitute "person" for "man". Or, maybe,considering our theme, "woman".

• The present, inculcated, feminist values of Western societies support her with little or no stigma attached. The legal, economic and moral sanctions that once inhibited this behaviour are virtually dead. In past societies, a woman outside a family was often seen as a witch. Get out that ducking stool and build the stocks! (Old British customs for witches.)
•  
• And all this has been fairly passively condoned and legislated by their "oppressors": the men! Those male dominators who hold the women in subjection. How women have managed to persuade largely male legislatures to do this is a mystery and there is a book waiting to be written. Perhaps it is the female hormone as recently reported in the water supplies of the West which causes a diminution of testosterone. The sperm counts of men have been reduced markedly in some regions. It cannot be that the women have used some new, superior, feminist arguments. The arguments for female equality have been around for near a century. But then men knew the consequences of allowing the emotionality of women free reign and resisted. And it cannot be a sudden surge of female determination. Who were more determined than the Suffragettes between the World Wars? They were locked up, forced fed, released and locked up yet again under the "Cat and Mouse Acts" (UK). They were derided by the majority of women as spoiled, rich bitches. But these doughty women would not retreat. Why have men suddenly become selfless "Sensitive New Age Guys" (SNAGS)? What process has been at work in Western societies that has seen male husbandry cringingly decline and petticoat petulance reign supreme?

~~~"WHERE MEN ARE MEN - (And women are double breasted." - an old Mancunian expression)~

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• The men in some parts of Africa do not seem to suffer from the cringing Western man's affliction of placing women on an equal emotional and legal level. Maybe their water supplies are not yet loaded with the oestrogen prevalent in ours.
•  
• This case involved a woman whose younger half brother (or it may have been a step-brother) inherited her father's land. She claimed that she had a right to inherit under Section 22 of the Zimbabwe Constitution. But Section 22, although stating that women are legally the equal of men, also says that this equality only applies when it does not conflict with Customary Law which has precedence.
•  
• The case was to decide if Customary Law allowed women to be equal. The court decided that it did not and that women could have no higher legal status than that of a teenager. The implication being, one supposes, that they remained minors and thus, under the control of adult men.
•  
• Of course, the nascent Zimbabwean feminist groups voiced off against this ruling and will be trying to change the Constitution. Who bets that Western feminists won't be in there backing them? The latter are already pushing to outlaw female circumcision AKA "female genital mutilation" in Africa.
•  
• This "circumcision" is a ritual performed at puberty and varies throughout Africa. It can, I believe, be anything from a token, ritualised incision or burn to wholesale removal of the vulva and clitoris.
•  
• An American legislator, "Rep. Carolyn Maloney, D-NY, is sponsoring a bill that would formalize gender persecution as a reason for granting amnesty" to asylum seekers in the USA. There is the recent US publicised case. Adelaide Abankwah "A woman detained by US immigration officials after fleeing Ghana two years ago to avoid forced genital mutilation has been released on parole."
•  
• One wonders whether Carolyn Malony's bill includes all the males from Israel and elsewhere who might suffer the "Slaughter of the foreskin."? And if this bill includes male genital mutilation, will it be legal to circumcise males in the USA itself? Will the USA become a sanctuary for all males world-wide who want to escape from circumcision. Or is it only when females are circumcised that it is "gender persecution"? Why are men not railing against the slaughter of the foreskin?
•  
• Some Zimbabwean men were interviewed for this equality story which was broadcast on the BBC's World Service (July, 1999). They said that the court's decision was proper because Section 22 mandating female equality - without the Customary Law provision - would lead women not wanting to obey their husband and such a practice was unthinkable. As an aside it caused some feminist flutter recently when the British Prince's bride promised to "obey" her husband during the marriage ceremony.
•  
• Perhaps we Westerners ought to have dug our heels in too? But many younger men are now so thoroughly educated in the dictates of Liberation Theory (read brain-washed) that they will not readily be susceptible to re-education along manly lines.

~~~~SO WHAT CAN WE POOR SAPS DO?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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•  
• We are certainly passing through interesting times and it is producing reactions from men. There is little attempt to reverse legislation or values to force women back into the home and their traditional role; even though, it is predicted that, in the post-industrial age, there may not be jobs to go around. Some positive job discrimination has been challenged in the USA and there is a few male movements such as Iron John. But men, peculiarly, do not seem to have the will to become militant in their own interest and that of the community by pushing for a return to pre-liberationist times. Some even take to the woods to hug each other to find their maleness.
•  
• But men are, increasingly, voting with their feet. They are looking outside their First World lands to find Miss Right. But, being feminist trained has had a positive benefit for the men because, contrasted with the foreign women's own men, the Westerner is now more sensitive to woman's needs. An odd observer has wondered how this, in turn, affects the traditional values of some Third World females married to Western men. Will the Western man's new-found sensitivity encourage change in the imported bride's values and steer her towards her career instead of putting family first? Besides the "understanding" male attitude towards her, she also has to cope with strident, Western females exhorting her to throw off "the shackles" of male domination. Some say that there is a happy blending of both sets of values. A career and a family. But family is put first. How will their daughters feel brought up amidst present feminist ideals?
•  
• Some disaffected Western men look to the ex-communist countries of Eastern Europe; some to the Third World's Oriental, American or African women. The former communists are abundantly available and, in desperation for escape to affluence and to escape their own males' chauvinism, try to convince Western men that they hold traditional marital values. But often they are just escapees and even become more aggressively independent than their new, Western sisters when permanently resident in the West. The Third-World women are often more in tune with the embittered and disillusioned Western men. Of these attractive, traditional, abundant and available women one country stands out:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~THE PHILIPPINES.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Why Western men like Filipinas

(I have been told that a Canadian sex site has pinched a slab of the following text to display as a teaser for a pen-pal site. They will not remove it nor attribute nor pay for it.)

There are, of course, attractions for men other than the escape from feminist values to the traditional, family orientated females.

• Some Asian women are extremely attractive to Western men physically. One almost might say the Filipina type. She is undoubtedly Asian yet has acquired a different look from many, "purer "Asian types like the regular Chinese and Japanese. Possibly because of Malaysian influence and a colonised past. There are many configurations but they have a more European look; yet with neat little nose, an even, "sun-tanned" skin with dark hair and eyes. And, perhaps, their littleness adds to their femininity. When young, they seem naturally slim and this can be attractive to some men. But, once in Hamburger Land they often end up fighting the flab too.
•  
• Generally, they are well educated and speak English so are, superficially, easy to communicate with. They are usually Christian so have a commonality with most Western male's values. But, though fairly devout in their worship, they seem pragmatic in the application of dogma.
•  
• The Filipina still respects age as a repository of wisdom and stability so they are not averse to older men. Indeed, they often prefer older men who are more settled and reliable. Many 19 yr. up girls think a 20 yr. age gap desirable. A 40 yr. gap, or even more, is not unknown. So an older man may fulfill his fantasy for an "innocent", beautiful girl. This is normally only available to him in the West if he is rich, powerful or famous. Even then it is unlikely that he can marry a virgin in the marriageable age group. This is not unattainable in the Philippines.
•  
• Filipinas will also be generally willing to consider settling in an area which the western girl would dislike. In Australia Filipinas are found in remote locations such as mining communities. But this has created special problems besides loneliness. They will also wed farmers who, being isolated, are not in contact with their own women. And generally the Filipina will be willing to buckle down and work alongside her man. They want opportunity in the West. But most do not expect a free ride. Especially as they want to remit money back home to help their sibs with education and to help their parents share in her prosperity. This can create problems depending on the attitude of the husband. But, mostly, the man is so pleasured by his acquisition that he willingly agrees to help her family in some way.
•  
• Increasingly, the men have been left with the children by their ex Western wives and the Filipina often sees no problem becoming their new mother - and mostly they are excellent and devoted mothers.
•  
• Some handicapped men have been able to marry a Filipina and thus be able to have a family life. Filipinas make admirable carers.

Filipinas are pushovers?

• But, at bottom, it is the apparent, yielding femininity that attracts the men. This is not what it seems though. These girls, although Christian, educated, drinking Coke and speaking English, come from a society that has tribalism underlying the western gloss. The loyalty to their extended family is so pervasive and strong that it seems almost genetic. The Western value of independent thought, action and property is alien to them. Within this extended family what matters is duty of care to other members. They do not become educated to break free of family and set up an independent unit to be left alone. They have a burden of debt to their family and, if not repaid for ever, according to their means, they are conscience stricken. Like most other human behaviour there are exceptions and many ways of fulfilling obligation to family. But it would be reckless of a Western man to expect a Filipina girl to turn her back on family obligation and happily rationalise the change.
•  
• As they live in what Westerners consider crowded housing conditions, the customs and rituals of daily behaviour are conducive to good order and harmony. The family members know their place; and even the way they address each other reinforces it. An older sibling has a special name (kuya - brother/ate - sister) and older people are accorded a special ritual when meeting (press the elder's hand to their forehead). Although the husband is the nominal family head and the rest submit, the wife will have varying degrees of influence on his decisions according to her personality and ability. Some would say that she is definitely the power behind the throne. But she will mostly condone, however reluctantly, his philandering outside the marriage. Better to be a family than split up over pride. Who wants to be a witch? How would one exist without family? It is their welfare system. And the Filipina believes that men must have regular sexual activity. It is the nature of the beast. It is very unusual for a Filipina wife not to make herself available for her husband: "It's just a natural part of marriage.". She is there, among other things, to be a provider of sex. "Headaches" are fairly rare!
•  
• She may not argue back and might appear docile. She may be hurting beneath. But she comes from a close, crowded family and noisy confrontation has to be avoided or it would be a hectic life. Hence the rituals associated with inter-family behaviour. That way one knows what is acceptable and waves are not created. You do not argue back to your elders. And a stick probably reinforced this behaviour when young. (But, interestingly, they seem to be starting our Western hotlines for abused children - though only, so far, for excessive beatings.)
•  
• All is not what it seems. These Filipinas appear pliable and yielding. But they have very definite, though often not-discussed, ideas on what is the right way to live. By other means, some subtle, some obvious, they will often manipulate their man onto that right course. The most obvious tactic is sulking, AKA "The Silent Treatment", and banging objects around in the kitchen. "Let's confront and argue this through" is the Western way and very alien to Filipinas. It is not much good to insist on having it up front to sort out the problem or "We gotta talk." Some men seem to be able to wean them to this "happy" state over a period of sympathetic listening and explanation. It is difficult to convince a Filipina that to sit down and rationally argue her point of view is desirable. Perhaps it is easier to correct the situation and accept it. Sulking has not necessarily very grave implications if the man is generally caring. If one insists on talking it through statum perhaps one should stick to the occidental ladies. They will usually oblige - in spades!

To be continued.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~FOOTNOTE AND SUMMARY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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• But, the overriding argument is the change in Western women and the attenuation of testosterone in men that allows this female dominated West to occur. Even after allowing for easier travel and the physical attraction of Filipinas, there has been an unprecedented rise in Western male applications to import foreign women. The US Immigration and Naturalisation Service (INS) even commissioned a survey to report on the phenomenon of the badly named Mail Order Bride trade; and the Australian Department of Immigration and Multicultural Affairs (DIMA) has expressed concern at the disproportionate domestic violence against Filipinas as their numbers have increased. They have issued a memo on the subject and produced a video and booklet to be shown to Filipinas contemplating marriage to Australian men. These are reasonably fair; but the booklet demonstrates the present, Western, female values in our society. It reassures the Filipinas that there is no stigma attached to divorce and, if she is abused, she should seek guidance. The advice to seek support is sensible. But to undermine the very value that the relevant Western men desire and most Filipinas posses - a determination to make a marriage for life - before she even steps ashore - is ample justification for the author's assertion that the contract of marriage in the West is a negotiable instrument just like a commercial contract for the sale of beans. The author feels that the beans in marriage are the magic beans of the Beanstalk fable and, when acquired, lead onwards and upwards to the crock of gold.
   
   
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Copyright (2005) - Clive Halliday. (All rights reserved)

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